Narcissism explained in 3 Steps: symptoms, meaning and test - everything you need to know about Pathological Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
Hi, I am Harry Venice, an Attachment, Trauma, and Jungian Therapist who is also certified to score the Adult Attachment Interview for Reflective Function.
If you have a budget of at least €150 per month and are serious about doing Shadow Work, Jungian Analysis, trauma healing, or repairing insecure attachment, book a Free 1:1 Discovery Call today: https://calendly.com/harryvenicepsychology/30min
Also join my free newsletter here for exclusive content: www.harryvenice.com
Narcissism explained: symptoms, meaning and test - everything you need to know about Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse
Today I am breaking down Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder in 3 steps.
This article is a practical, no bullshit guide to understanding what narcissism is, why people behave this way, and I provide real, concrete examples so you can understand how pathological narcissists act.
What I teach you today will not only help you understand the Narcissists in your life and their abuse, but also how there is a scale of narcissism, including healthy narcissism, which we all need to embody. However, the problem is when narcissism becomes pathological and “goes wrong”.
By understanding this, you will be able to take their behaviour less personally, know how to avoid getting ‘caught up’ in narcissistic rage attacks and abuse … and if you have done some deep 1:1 therapy and inner work, you will even be able to have so much space and understanding of narcissism, that you may even empathise, understand and have some compassion for the deeply wounded people in our lives who need to rely on these strategies. I don’t say this to justify the narcissistic abuse because I have suffered it from many people in my life time, even from strangers or clients… and it is very poisonous and toxic to receive this violating energy.
But ultimately, this journey of life is about ourselves, our minds, and our journey. And these toxic narcissists we encounter, provide another opportunity for us to grow and become a stronger, more resilient, beautiful, better, deeper person … and often this involves limiting our exposure to such people, but being able to have a new, different, and sometimes extremely limited relationship. If you really dig deep and transform yourself, you may even view the narcissist differently, and not be effected by their defense mechanisms (however, this does not apply to truly abusive, extreme ends of narcissism and anti social personality, which is generally best avoided).
Step 1. Narcissism exists on a scale
Photo: a depiction of the Narcissist as “King”: the grandiose and extreme form of narcissism needs to listened, admired, and to have a captive audience where he or she delivers monologues “at” people.
The reality is that we all have some ‘narcissism’. I remember that when I first heard this from a professor of mine, and as someone who was a scapegoat and had experienced narcissistic abuse, I did not like it at all!
But when I re-explored this a few years after alot of inner work and psychology training, I totally got it. I think this is because I had processed alot of my narcissistic abuse experiences (e.g. via complex trauma and cptsd memory processing) and importantly, had also repaired my attachment security. I realise now, that by doing this I had had provided a ‘context’ to my experiences and from a neuroscience or neural perspective, my brain was ‘updated’ and had perspective and integration of my past. In other words, my past experiences were no longer invading and dominating my present thoughts and life. So I could view these people and these incidents, even new ones from new narcissists I encountered, from a different perspective and also from a much stronger Ego base, and solid sense of Self.
What is the scale of Narcissism?
On the one end, we have ‘healthy narcissism’ and on the other end we have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
In between these two extremes, we have the main form of narcissism we encounter and that is ‘Pathological Narcissism’ or when narcissism “goes wrong”.
So now that you are equipped with scale, you can view narcissism and narcissistic actions on a spectrum, rather than splitting people off into groups of narcissist versus ‘not a narcissist’.
Most of the narcissistic people we encounter are pathological narcissists where narcissism has gone wrong. Some of these people are closer to ‘healthy narcissism’ and others act in a pattern which is closer to the extreme end of ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’. To simplify matters, actual NPD is very obvious adn extreme. You will know if you are around it because these people exhibit extreme patterns of behaviour and communication (or ‘monologues"!) which make it very hard to have stable relationships or genuinely two sided relationships, discussions, and encounters. They completely suck the air out of the room, are bad listeners, and totally focused on themselves.
What we more commonly encounter is Pathological Narcissism which is narcissism ‘gone wrong’. The question becomes ‘how wrong has the narcissism gone?’.
To understand and answer this question, we need to go to step 2 so that we can understand what narcissism is and why it occurs.
Step 2. The “WHAT” and “WHY”: What is Narcissism and Why does it occur?
Photo: Caravaggio's painting depicts the myth of Narcissus as famously written about by the Roman poet Ovid in which a young man falls in love with his own reflection.
Narcissism is a set of self enhancement strategies to boost self esteem.
I repeat: narcissism is a set of self enhancement strategies to boost self esteem.
This is the most important sentence I am writing in this article. It is the key to understanding narcissism. When you encounter a narcissistic behaviour, you just need to ask yourself ‘how is this a self enhancement strategy for this person? How is this behaviour boosting their self esteem or lowering someone else’s position, value, autonomy, achievements, self worth or self esteem, etc?’.
At the core of narcissism, there is shame, inferiority, and something lacking.
So the narcissist is either raising their own self esteem (e.g. with achievements, perfectionism, talking about themselves, getting attention, etc) or by lowering or knocking others down (e.g. put downs, stating their own superiority above the other person, entitlement, minimizing the accomplishments or possessions or status of others, etc).
These are called Self Enhancement strategies. They are strategies to boost the self esteem and the false ‘self’ of the narcissist.
Examples of Self Enhancement strategies
Associating with famous, respected, prominent people or people of status in a particular field or people of status in general society.
Working very hard and going to extreme, pathological lengths to achieve a goal.
An internal expectation of excellence and perfection, which is driven by shame and always involves raisign the stakes for more. This desire for more can never be satisfied.
Projecting this need for “self esteem” attainment onto objects or activities. In other words, the self enhancement is placed onto activities or objects and the attainment of achievements or objects is what raises the self esteem and reduces the shame of the narcissist. For example, the self enhancement strategy becomes the attainment of cars, money, career success, houses, living in a particular prestigous suburb, performing well, and associating with or getting the approval of people with status.
Two Real life examples of Narcissistic Self Enhancement strategies and reactions
Example 1 - Narcissistic Career and Achievement as a self enhancement strategy
Event: someone gets a promotion at work.
How the Narcissist experiences this event: this is experienced as shame and as not being ‘good enough’.
The self enhancement strategy used by the narcissist: the narcissist starts working 12 hours every day to do better and try get a raise or promotion at work. This behaviour temporarily enhances the self esteem of the narcissist, but it is not truly “enjoyable” and it “goes wrong”.
Why is the response Pathological and why does the narcissism “go wrong”: it “goes wrong” because health, exercise routines, relationships, friendships, hobbies, general well being, and life balance suffer. There is a compensation response which comes from this core shame, inferiority, and feeling that something lacking. This response also acts as a dissociation from dealing with these core issues of shame and low self esteem. Note that acts of dissociation are also tied to complex trauma (cptsd / complex ptsd).
Example 2 - Instagram Follower: Narcissistic Social Media status as a self enhancement strategy
Event: someone has 10,000 followers on Instagram and the narcissist only has 100 followers.
How the Narcissist experiences this event: this is experienced as shameful and as not being ‘good enough’.
Self enhancement strategy 1 used by the narcissist (lowering the value of the person and their achievement): the narcissist criticises the person and says that they “suck”, they bought followers, they are not as ‘authentic’ as the narcissist, they do not really know the topic they post about, they say “I would do better than them if I tried” (a classic vulnerable narcissist statement), they are a loser, etc. Result: this temporarily raises the self esteem of the narcissist and as a result self enhancement occurs at the cost of the other person and their achievements.
Self enhancement strategy 2 used by the narcissist: the narcissist has only 100 followers but after seeing the 10,000 followers of this other person, now makes a massive effort and a three month plan to boost his or her followers to over 10,000. Result: the real goal is not the followers, it is the self enhancement and the raising of self esteem which does not come from within, but needing to raise it in response to the feelings of inferiority to another person.
The Vulnerable Narcissist
Clinical approaches for therapists: for therapists treating the vulnerable narcissist, there needs to be “scaffolding” around the narcissistic wound. There is alot of hurt behind it and a real vulnerability. You can work around the narcissism and build them up, “scaffold” around it, and work around the wound, slowly addressing what lies underneath it.
Dealing with them in real life: in daily life, the vulnerable narcissist will often play the victim or passively seek narcissistic attention by ‘mentioning’ things or steering the topic to themselves. Often there is a reason why they have not achieved as much success as they want or someone else is not as ‘authentic’, or good, or true to the artform, or industry, or technique, etc. Or perhaps, they say that they didn’t ‘sell out’ or ‘kiss ass’ and that is why they are not as successful, etc. These narcissists can also be very manipulative behind the scenes and rather than be confrontational and overt like the grandiose narcissist, they may be quiet on issues in front of the person, but put together plans, manipulations, and big efforts behind the scenes to get what they want.
The Grandiose Narcissist
Clinical approaches for therapists: quite frankly, this can be a clinical nightmare to deal with for many therapists. The grandiose narcissists are by nature ‘fighters’ and confrontational. If you take the soft approach which is taken for the vulnerable narcissists, it will not work because the grandiose narcissist will love the attention and milk it. Rather than getting to the core wounds, they will usually manipulate the dynamic. Instead, a more direct approach is required clinically if there is a long term therapeutic relationship established. In extreme cases, this will simply result in the grandiose narcissist terminating the therapeutic relationship due to loss of control and power, etc. Whereas, for others, it could open up a chance for some inner exploration and attempts to make their life work, rather than have relationships and life continue to feel like they are “going wrong” (which is what brings them to therapy in the first place).
Dealing with them in real life: you should avoid confrontation with a grandiose narcissist in real life situations. This can be done by maintaining superficial or ‘strictly business’ communication and topic discussions for workplace or transactional situations. For closer social or family relations, this could mean limiting the scope of discussion and interactions to those narrow confines where narcissistic rage or ‘self enhancement’ behaviours are kept at a minimum or at the least are not harmful to others. It is important to remember that often the grandiose narcissist will require ‘narcissistic supply’ (e.g. dominating conversations with monologues, attention seeking, validation, compliment seeking, and put downs or minimising others to boost their self esteem). The key is to avoid getting into negative cycles, arguments, and not to take the ‘bait’ when negative comments or behaviours occur. Remember, the ABC’s of behaviour change which tell us not to give attention to negative behaviour.
Step 3. Pathological Narcissism: when does it “Go Wrong”?
In Step 2, we explored how narcissism involves self enhancement strategies when it becomes Pathological Narcissism and the narcissism is no longer healthy… instead it becomes ‘narcissism gone wrong’.
When does narcissism “go wrong”? It is important that narcissism can ‘go wrong’ for all of us! So when you read this list, dont just think of an abusive narcissist, but also consider yourself when you are going from ‘healthy narcissism’ and moving to behaviours and thoughts which are entering ‘pathological narcissism’. For example, when ‘shame’ and ‘low self esteem’ become drivers for behaviour and we go from ‘doing a hobby’ to wanting to ‘be the best ever’! Below I provide some practical clear examples:
The narcissism effects relationships: relationships are not prioritised due to self enhancement strategies to raise self esteem and avoid that core shame.
You work harder to raise self esteem, but you are not enjoying. It becomes rigid, an inflexible schedule… and if you are honest with yourself, you feel ‘stuck’ and are not enjoying it.
You put others down to feel better.
You don’t enjoy your life due to self esteem boosting or self enhancement strategies.
In certain scenarios or when certain topics come up, you suck the air out of the room. Your Ego identified persona dominates the conversations. A common example of this, is talking about work, career, certain hobbies or passions. This is very common with doctors and lawyers due to the Ego identification with status, money, and prestige which is common with these professions. A symptom of this can be experienced as the doctor or lawyer preaching at people or dominating and turning conversations back to their ‘area’ of work. An evening with such grandiose narcissists leaves you feeling that their work or subject area infiltrated the conversation throughout the night. It can feel like the air was sucked out of the room and when you are away from them… you need to decompress and in fact you feel much better to be away from that ‘dominating’ person and presence. It is a very inflated sense of self they bring to the room, even though they are often at their core nice people…. but this grandiosity is annoying and deep down is built upon an air of superiority, arrogance, money, and status.’
If you have a budget of at least €150 per month and are serious about exploring Narcissism, Narcissistic abuse, Scapegoat dynamics, Shadow Work, Jungian Analysis, trauma healing, or repairing insecure attachment, book a Free 1:1 Discovery Call today: https://calendly.com/harryvenicepsychology/30min
Also join my free newsletter here for exclusive content: www.harryvenice.com
Always Believe. Stay Brave. Never Give Up.
Harry Venice
Attachment, Trauma, and Jungian Therapist
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